I can't help but worry... one that I won't be accepted to the program... or that if I do get accepted I won't be placed where I want to go... or that once I get there- I will want to go home. I have family and friends that I love.... my nieces and nephew tug especially hard at my heart, because now they are so small- and they will continue to grow while I am away. I'll worry about all members of my family while I am away, and it will be very difficult for me to have peace in my heart unless I know they are in good spirits.Four years is a long time. There is so much potential for change. hhhhmmmm... Four years ago I didn't have a single niece or nephew, I didn't have two brother in law(s). I couldn't speak spanish fluently. I wasn't a few credits away from graduating college. I hadn't faced some very difficult challenges that I now know I can survive.
Much change has taken place in the bigger world around me, in all the lives of the people, in the political and economic scene. I know that whatever happens change will take place. It's funny that while political candidates on both sides of all levels make political campaigns about "CHANGE" I can't help but think of the great changes they will make to the United States government system during my absence, undoubtedly bringing some positive change which I will be pleased to find upon my return, but the US as a whole and my family and friends will be facing new and different challenges.
But I've got to fight the doubt, because 1. I KNOW that this kind of work is what I WANT, and that no matter where I am placed I will learn, grow, and I hope have something to offer. I think that that is one of the greatest worries is that I recognize my own shortcomings and know that there is so much need that I will have little to offer in comparison. That fear of my efforts being swallowed in a void of darkness and doubt, the daily tasks and offerings being in vain. I recognize my own tendency to focus on my own family, my own self and want to find a way to get beyond that. When I think of some of my heros I wonder how they accomplished all that they have in the face of such obstacles. People like Hanley Denning, and Mother Teresa, who were so bold as to take on tasks that are still not complete.
I find myself making nice lists of things to do that I can cross off and feel a sense of accomplishment. I like tasks that can be "DONE". the weekend I left Guatemala there was a huge landslide in the Garbage dump that in addition to releasing unhealthy amounts of methane gas in to the air crushed and killed several people, including some children. I felt so moved as I looked around my class on my last day as a volunteer knowing that these beautiful children would have been there too had it not been for SafePassage. I have a feeling that when i leave, as when I left Guatemala there will still be so much to do. When I return there will be so much I will have gained and so much change that I will have been witness to, but so much left to do. and I wonder, will I be okay with that? And if I am "okay" with that, if I am able to return, what does that say?
