Wednesday Night Lindsay, Minh and I had signed up to cook dinner, and that was the evening that I also announced to the group. We had set up dinner in the downstairs classroom and put out candles with fruit, cheese and crackers to start, and then soup and creps for the main course. Sister Genie brought her guitar and we sang some farewell songs. I am going to miss our sing alongs! Then Erica brought down some music and we danced. After sitting in class all day it is good to move around and get our blood flowing!
The next day, Thursday, 11 went to class while I packed up my room. Thursday was the most difficult day because as I packed I mourned what I knew I was saying goodbye to and wrestled with thoughts, second guessing the peace that I had felt the day before. But I felt so blessed too. That was the first snow! The unanticipated change in weather was as brisk and surprising as the change in the direction my life is taking. It was also the feast day of St. Teresa of Avila, my confirmation Saint. As I have to some people upon my return, a part of me wishes that I was there but the whole of me knows that I am being led in a different way, that I couldn't hope plan out myself.
"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:18-19 Praise God!
There is no one thing that made the decision but certainly the change in financial arrangements was a factor. Yet as I was discerning I recalled the way that I felt called to Guatemala, and that while I did not initially know how I was going to pay for it a scholarship came in the day of my birthday that made the trip possible. That, to me, was a blessing from God.
I know that where there is a will there is a way, and that if this mission organization and timing was right that obstacles would be possible to overcome. Yet, in the discerning process there was more that I was struggling with than just money.
I did not want fear to be a factor in my decision making. I have always liked what Ralph Waldo Emerson said about the thing that you most fear is the thing which you Must do, and I like challenging myself, pushing myself beyond my comfort zone. As we met with SHARE a non profit that does work in El Salvador one of the Representatives mentioned that the murder rate in El Salvador (smaller than Maine) is 16 per day. That there are gang problems, violence against women, domestic violence, and many other huge issues. While I am sane enough to be intimidated by those factors, God gives out hearts faithful enough to remember the witness of many missioners before me, before Maryknoll even who faced such challenges and while suffered emotionally, physically, and were spiritually challenged more than they could have possibly anticipated- I am the kind of person who is crazy enough to believe that prayer, combined with community can endure such overwhelming challenges. That healing is possible (and almost always necessary in mission).
Also, I originally was seeking to learn another language and placement in El Salvador would limit me to Spanish for three years. I feel that with my young brain I want to take advantage of learning as much as I can now. I had originally accepted the placement, but in August we received notice that it was not for sure (and it was only within the past two weeks that we found out if our regions were remaining open).
So why am I back? I wanted to go right away but persistently I felt "Not yet, not yet". While I am a driven person and want to follow through I could not ignore what I knew in my heart but didn't (and admit don't) quite understand... couldn't articulate. I don't think of this time as arriving home. Yes, I am back but I am not home. I am on mission in Maine will not be home in my heart until I am on overseas mission. For me in ways this uncertainty of where I am going or what I am doing next is the biggest challenge. I am someone who is always active, and wants to accomplish things. In coming to Maine I think I am entering a more contemplative period of discernment and desire to really enter in to Faith.
Friday morning I took a train out of Croton to Grand Central, took a subway to chinatown than took the Fung Wah bus to Boston. I took another bus to Boston where Robert, my friend Manju's husband picked me up. I spent a few days with them and their three month old. Manju and I studied for her anatomy and physiology class and at night I started to teach her some salsa steps. In the kitchen she gave me more Nepali cooking tips. On Monday Robert went to work in Portland and dropped me off at USM where my brother Joe picked me up. I got home around 9:50 in the morning and it just so happened that my Dad's 10am patient (my father is an optometrist and sees patients in the house) was Norm, who is a professed Dominican layperson active in our Church. I had had some conversations with him as I was planning for mission. Since he had to wait around the office for a half hour after getting his eyes dilated I took advantage to talk to him. His wife is hosting a Saturday retreat to help people discern what their gifts are to give to God, so I am planning on attending that!
I spent the morning studying my EMT book because I am looking to get a job or volunteer on an ambulance. I have a job at Starbucks again- but its the one in Brunswick. A friend is going to lend me a bike so I can get to and from work but I hope that it is only temporary. I am seeking out other mission organizations and keeping in contact with Maryknoll praying and discerning where God wants me to serve.
I also tuned and took out my "barbie guitar" at home last night. I started strumming, and received a text message from Elba my former room mate from Puerto Rico who had helped teach me guitar while I was there. We had kept in contact through the internet but I hadn't talked to her in probably a year. That was providential to me. I will also take this time to work on music, and study language tapes from the library. I want to learn so much!!!
I feel SO blessed for the time that I spent at Bethany. It was like a month long retreat. What I got out of it was patience, and the faith to hold myself back from leaping until its time. I am enjoying the beautiful fall leaves, and accepting that they each drop in turn to leave the tree bare. Bare but still with the promise of spring. I don't know what this winter will bring, but I am praying the the road is long, full of adventure, full of knowledge.
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