Pura Vida De Nuevo

INCAE

Llegamos.

  I had a sense of overwhelming gratitude last night feeling that it was all too good to be true, and that there would be a payback with some sort of tragedy later. But that is not how God’s generous love works. He gives without ever calling in ransom. This time instead of being the calm before the storm is him teaching me how to LOVE GENEROUSLY. I will not obtain my own or anyone else’s salvation through hard work alone. I do want to work to serve the lord, but only for LOVE of him, not as repayment. I could never repay him, but I will praise him.

Lord I praise your goodness in this beautiful place, lush green vibrant living plants, lizards geckos, birds waking us in the morning sunlight. The tile floors and simple perfection of our casita, where we can walk to a delightful playground and watch the kids swing in the shade of a mango tree. An afternoon swim surrounded by palm trees in the pool, watching iguanas sunbath and meander to find the best spot on the roof top. The private pool with the shallow end in the shade, and a view of the mountains in the distance. Mas alla de the humming birds favorite flowering red ginger. This level of perfection can only be designed by the one who created me and knows exactly what my heart longs for… the security and comfort of hope upon our return to Maine near family, and the warm perfection of a land that is like Eden. Lord help me sing joyfully to you this year.

I want to sing “La luz que veo en ti”

As we drove out of town we stopped in Yarmouth at a cute little dream condo in a cul-de-sac . Lawn maintenance and snow removal included. The hometown of Hanley Denning, founder of Safe Passage. I am so grateful for my own peace in seeing the lovely home that we will call our own, within walking distance of the community we would love to call our own. That God is so generous in caring for his children. I am so happy to move to Yarmouth, and feel like the next step in my nursing career truly is to become a Nurse Practitioner. I don't know when, but trust in the Lord to help me find the right time for me and my family. I refuse to "muscle" my way through school at the expense of my family. Instead we will go step by step, with breaks along the way as needed. I am confident. My brain is starting to work again. 

1/19/18

God has continued to out pour graces upon us. Even as I grow irritated, impatient, and lack motivation and a sense of direction some days. This past week Ronan and Magdalena attended school, we washed clothes at the laundry-mat, I ran, worked out, and today we played at the playground. Our kindly Honduran neighbor shared limones with us and Ryan made lemonade. I ate oreo cookies. We had a delicious dinner at Palo Santo with a lovely view. We spent a day a the beach and met a kind Tica who shared her favorite spots, shared a picnic blanket and offered us chicken. Jacqi made friends with an adorable 6 month old who was chubbier than her, and Maggie and Ronan swam and splashed as Ryan lifted them up over the waves. The sand was soft under our feet, and we found shade under a palm tree.

Ryan got me my favorite candies in both coco and guayaba flavor I ate them up. He made us pancakes for breakfast, and even danced with Jacqueline and I. Treats after treats after treats. Birds of paradise, flowering trees, butterflies and hummingbirds. Mariposas y colibris. I am overwhelmed with gratitude at the abundance of comforts we enjoy and ask God to help me show love to others. We are not growing deep roots here, but part of me wants to. I don’t know how though.  Part of me feels Tica. Amo a la casita tradicional in La Paz waterfall gardens. We have yet to really make good friends and I wonder what the method should be. Poco a poco. Lord Help me initiate friendships. Help me to have patients with Magdalena to give her attention.

I love being in Costa Rica, and I also have a dream of living abroad for a few years. I wonder how to make that happen. To live in Europe, and then move back to Maine, and then live in South America and then move back to Maine. I am also interested in New Zealand but it is just so far from everything! I think I would find a week or so vacation sufficient.

Our house is perfect… I only wish we had a little gate for Jacqueline so we could open up all the doors and she doesn’t escape. Ronan’s whining is excessive. I wonder how to manage it. He misses piano and the daily rhythm. He was whiny before so I can not read too much in to it.

Back in Maine I have a job, we are signing a lease for a condo in Yarmouth, I just submitted registration for school for Magdalena. I will be registering her for YMCA and summer camp, I filled out care.com info.

I am not as present here as I would like, but the reality is we must take care of these other responsibilities. This isn’t a “vacation” even though much of it is like one but better! Part of me is doing well to prepare for all that will come and not be overwhelmed with anxieties, but I dont was to be all business either. Thanks be to God in his wisdom to taking us somewhere that my heart finds rest.

I dream about going to live in Chile some day and wonder what that would be like. Sigue sonando en Rena Argentina. Ahora soy Rena Costa Rica.

Today as we sat at the playground with Georgina. Magdalena asked como te llamas. As we read Pete the Cat she used words in Spanish, and even said “zapatos blancos” for white shoes. I was particularly impressed because she put the adjective after the noun. Ronan wants to learn praise songs in Spanish, so we should look up some that we sing at Dulce Nombre.

1/29/18

Yesterday I sat on my front porch reading as Maggie took a nap in the hammock and Ronan played. Jacqueline napped in her crib as she was tired out from our time at the pool earlier in the day. When I glanced up from my book I would catch sight of hummingbirds, or flick away a leaf cutter ant. This morning on a run I spotted a little flock of what I think were crimson fronted parakeets, perico fretirojo, and after sprints at the soccerfield a Lesson’s Motmot, or pajaro bobo. Tropical kingbirds also make their appearance and I have seen pleanty of other common tody flycatchers. I hope to learn more about birds and if I make a habit of morning walks or runs, and maybe if I bring my guide to the evening playtime at the playground (and put on pants to avoid the no see ums) then I will see some others. Patti told us about the large Mango tree that shades the playground and now that I can identify it I realize there are dozens and dozens of large mature mango trees on campus. While I do hope we are around when they are large and ripe, I can imagine it can be precarious parking the car in the shady spot we prefer, or relaxing on the bench at the playground without an umbrella to deflect the juicy hazard if the wind blows the right way. There are banana trees at the entrance to INCAE, and I am determined to find some papaya trees. I wonder if there are pinapple plants hidden on campus too. The Mandarina trees are full of dark forest green fruit, and limones are also found, great to squeeze in to water. With all the abundance of life I am filled with joy and peace. Magdalena and Ronan are enjoying our paradise, running to play with neighbors. Ample time for lounging as long as they complete their simple homework. Delicious fresh fruits every day, and frequent trips to the pool where we spot iguanas on the way.

1/31/19 I realize I have still been dating my entries 2018. I am lost in another time. Everyone in Maine and upstate New York is frozen in a polar vortex is keeping schools closed subzero temperatures. When we were living in Florida an especially bad winter hit the north and we were spared by living in the sunshine state. Earlier I wrote I felt as if we weren't putting down roots, but I take it back. The sunshine is helping me come alive, but the roots that are growing are deeper than I was looking for. I am becoming more fully who I am, and feel less self conscious, less needy. I listened to a TED talk today about the redwood forest.  Beyond their towering majestic beauty and being alive at the time Christ walked the earth their biology is amazing. If there is a spot within them that is rotten they have the vital power to send roots in to that spot and draw fourth nutrience from that dying rotting part of themselves until it falls off and the persistent new growth from underneath lives on. I have allowed bitterness to creep in to parts of me, my marriage, my motherhood, my place in society. Here and now in this place of abundant life I will let myself, with the aid of the Holy Spirit, shoot fourth roots true to my SER, to bear life within me.
A line from "Only Us" from the musical "Dear Evan Hansen" resonates with me "I don't need you to fix what I'd rather forget".  I have tended to be the person who strives to patching things up. I struggled with letting disagreements be and long for perfection (with minimal effort possible). I seek approval from others, usually people i love and trust, but it is fruitless. When the approval doesn't come, the efforts to initiate or maintain relationship doesn;t go as I hoped or planned I have grown bitter. Now, with three small children a husband with a inspiring entrepreneurial spirit, a nursing career and aspirations to higher education and I just don't have time for ruminating on the hurts. Bitterness comes when I let myself fall in to thoughts of the past, and some things that are lost when people I love choose other things besides time with me and my kids. So I now choose to let them fall away as I live in the Father's love. Bye bye bitterness. I realize, and don't know exactly why, but I blame Buffalo for my bitterness.
I need to publicly share Buffalo is not responsible for my bitterness. I can recognize the origin of some of my blame... SOME neighbors were less than friendly, winters were cold and dark, the landscape was flat, I had two babies, we learned one of those babies had a potentially serious genetic abnormality.
The culmination of my discontent occurred while I was physically in Buffalo dealing with PTS from a complicated pregnancy, and we had just come from sunny florida and both lacked direction in our careers as we recentered and just parented. Anxieties, anger, and loneliness were the themes of my living there. Anxious about fixing up and maintaining the house, motherhood, finding work, and then working in a darker field than i have previously. Disappointment in our failed cross country trip as we left, and finally I experienced healing in Ithaca through therapy, the living waterfalls. Now I am feeling the culmination of all the hapiness. My children are growing and thriving, I am in this place of beauty which i have been dreaming of returning to since I was here last. I feel a sense of coming home, espeically as we plan to move closer to our family. (although I feel like I am hatching a secret plan to quit my job in Maine at the end of the year and just live in Costa RIca next Jan-March again and then find a new job.... if I am going to have flights of fancy they are going to be tropical.)

I've been thinking of Cuqui and Grandma Nilda lately. I imagine them in heaven being happy carefree teenagers together. Getting dressed up laughing too loud and being over dramatic with beautiful dark hair. I dream of my time with them being a sort of guide for me, that our similar smiles connect us still.

And even as Ryan and I are facing challenges within our marriage at this moment I feel confident in hope and faith. Last night I felt I was reaching toward hope with faith as I was honest with him, but did not allow my emotions to turn me into a volan de fuego spewing anger and bitterness.  Instead I told him honestly sighed and hugged goodnight and woke to make him coffee eggs and pancakes, and enjoyed the last of the chocolate covered coconut treats he had given me. There is more to marriage than making coffee and pancakes, although at this stage of our relationship getting up with the kids and making breakfast is a big deal. So on this last day of January 2019 I give thanks to God for our safe arrival here (and now as of today I picked up one of the kids lost carseats at the airport, St. Anthony I ask your intercession to find Magdalena's. She cried bitterly when she found out we did not have hers yet and I just want to make all things right for her. Lord I trust in your providence and timing in all things and I hope that she will learn to be happy for Ronan. Lord show her your mercy and love.)
I give thanks for seeing the lineated woodpecker, and for the guard who saw me walking around looking for something and gave me my phone, who also helped us unlock our door. Dios lo bendiga y acompana a el. Thank you for the very special noche cultural for a fancy meal, and where dancers wore beautiful costumes and played loud music. THank you for all the nearby churches. Gracias senor for the birds. May my love for birds always start and end with a love for your Holy Spirit which comes in the form of a dove, althouh I wouldn't mind if it shows up in a colibri or toucan some time.